After three miscarriages, I’m becoming jealous and resentful of my pregnant friends

I want to shout at – and even hit – thoughtless friends who complain about their difficult pregnancies, and who have good news at their 12-week scans

I’ve recently had a third miscarriage in just over six months. They have all been very early (between five and seven weeks) and my feelings about them change day-to-day: some days it feels absurd to be so upset about pregnancies that I only knew about for a couple of weeks, other days it is just so painful. I’m also increasingly scared that I may never have children. I have been referred for further investigations, but I know enough to know that for most couples this doesn’t provide answers. They just have to keep trying, even though the odds of success go down with each miscarriage. I’m very scared of this being me.

What troubles me most, though, is that I’m scared it’s turning me, or that I’m letting myself turn, into a horrible, jealous person. I hate seeing pregnant women or women with babies. My best friend recently found out she was pregnant (unplanned) and had her 12- week scan showing a healthy baby the day after I had a scan to confirm that the third pregnancy wasn’t developing correctly. I was shocked at the strength of the jealousy and resentment I felt towards someone I love a great deal. I was recently talking to an acquaintance at a wedding who is five months pregnant and she was moaning about how difficult pregnancy was, and I had a huge urge to not just shout at, but hit her. I would obviously never do this, but I was shocked at the strength of my feelings towards a benign if a little thoughtless (I’m pretty certain she knows that my husband and I have been struggling to have children)person.

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Prunella Briance obituary

Founder of the National Childbirth Trust who was an indefatigable defender of the rights of women to information around birth

The National Childbirth Trust began with two births: one an easy delivery for an unnamed young girl in the East End of London around a century ago, and the other a stillbirth for a woman called Prunella Briance, several decades later. The two mothers never met, but their stories were connected by a doctor whose inspiration led Briance, who has died aged 91, to found the NCT.

He was Grantly Dick-Read, a GP from Suffolk, who became committed to helping women make childbirth an easier and more fulfilling experience. Shortly before the outbreak of the first world war, as a young doctor, he attended a birth in an impoverished area of the East End. The young woman was offered pain relief, but refused. The child was born safely, and afterwards Dick-Read asked the mother why she hadn’t wanted drugs. “It didn’t hurt,” the woman replied. “It wasn’t meant to, was it, doctor?”

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How much can you exercise while pregnant?

For years, mothers-to-be have been told to cut back on exercise and take it easy despite the positive effects on body and mind. So how much is OK – and what workouts are recommended?

‘Stop running, kill the wild swimming and be careful about cycling.” I like my GP – he is a funny, hardworking man, practising in a diverse community with stretched resources. But when I walked into his office, six weeks pregnant, his advice on exercise during pregnancy felt a little like being wrapped in a vacuum bag. I didn’t want to stop exercising. I can’t really afford to stop cycling (thank you Transport for London) and I would genuinely fear for my mental health if I gave up running overnight.

Exercise during pregnancy is controversial. Serena Williams, winner of 23 tennis grand slams, made headlines worldwide on Monday, simply for declaring her plans “to keep exercising for as long as possible while pregnant”. For much of recent history, write the authors of Exercise During the Childbearing Year, “pregnant women were treated as if they had an illness and were subjected to a state of confinement. They were advised to relax, avoid strenuous exertion, and minimise stretching and bending for fear of strangling or squashing the baby”. Even in the first few months, when your body remains bumpless, some people will knit their brow and take a sceptical breath if you say you intend to remain active. You will be warned off lying on your back, swimming anywhere but a pool, lifting anything heavier than a feather and putting any sort of pressure on your joints. But is this advice based on evidence?

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The Guardian view on vaginal mesh implants: trust data and patients | Editorial

The devices have benefited a large number of women – but thousands have suffered serious adverse effects

The numbers tell their own tale. Thousands of women have undergone surgery to have vaginal mesh implants removed after suffering complications. Around one in 15 of those fitted with the most common type of mesh have required operations, according to NHS data obtained by the Guardian. In short, the problems are much more widespread than previously acknowledged. The removal rate was previously estimated at less than 1%.

But numbers are not enough. Each case is a woman with a disturbing story; and listening is as important as tallying them. Carolyn Churchill had to give up work after she was left in agony, with persistent bleeding. Yet she said she was made to feel like a baby for complaining. Others describe being left unable to walk or have sex – and of being assured that the implant was not responsible. So even this data under-represents the problem. Women may not be referred for removal, or may decide against it given the risks.

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What’s it like to pull off a DJ set at eight months pregnant? Anna Lunoe explains

Visibly pregnant women are seldom seen on stage, but the Sydney-turned-LA DJ says she never considered stopping

“I didn’t even imagine that I would keep DJing pregnant, cos I just didn’t think anybody wanted to see that,” says Anna Lunoe, down the phone from Los Angeles.

The Australian-born, US-based DJ has just stopped working for the year, but not before capping off a tour with a set at California’s Hard Summer festival, which saw her climbing the decks while eight months pregnant.

no words.. ❤️ @coachella @skrillex . @jbasjel

good news! ur gonna get 2 lunoe's for the price of 1 all summer long c u tomorrow coachella !

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The Observer view on best medical practice for pregnant women | Observer editorial

The ideal birth is the one that is safest for mother and baby

The announcement by the Royal College of Midwives (RCM) on Saturday that it will finally abandon its “normal birth” campaign is overdue but welcome. By promoting “normal” over medical births, the campaign has for too long dangerously implied that a non-medical birth is superior to one in which doctors are involved. Given that we have had firm evidence for more than two years that, in the very worst cases, normal birth ideology has contributed to the tragic and unnecessary deaths of women and babies, the only question is why it has taken the RCM so long to act.

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A letter to … the kind stranger who shared her grief with me

The letter you always wanted to write

The afternoon I visited your shop, I had been walking around aimlessly for hours and I’m not sure what made me go in. My confidence had deserted me and the furthest thing from my mind was shopping for new clothes. Less than a week before, I had been 11 weeks pregnant, full of joy and hope and new life. Now all that was gone, and with it my whole sense of who I was; it was my second miscarriage and I felt bereft.

Your shop was empty and I think you were probably about to close for the day but you gave me a big welcoming smile and asked if you could help. You were French, in your 50s and a complete stranger to me, but for some reason I found myself telling you I had just lost a baby and none of my clothes fitted me any more. You helped me pick out some tops and I went into the changing room.

In that small, kind gesture I felt myself unravel, I began to cry and then I couldn’t stop

Related: A letter to … the woman I shouted at in the supermarket queue

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Why I wrote a comedy show about incontinence | Elaine Miller

As a physiotherapist, I know a third of women don’t have reliable body control. I wanted to raise awareness of this taboo subject at Edinburgh festival

I’m a physiotherapist, and as a fresh-faced graduate, my ambition was to work in elite sports. I did it, too, thriving on team spirit, travel and free trainers.

Then I had three babies in four years, each blessed with a bigger head than the one before. A dramatic sneeze during a zumba class showed me (and everyone there) that my pelvic floor had been reduced to rubble. In that excruciating instant, I realised that what really mattered was not being able to jump a tiny bit farther, or run a bit faster than others, but, being able to jump and run without wet pants.

Related: Ed Patrick is a junior doctor who’s finding the funny side | Sarah Johnson

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Will you bugger off to play golf? And other questions more pertinent than pregnancy | Van Badham

Jacinda Ardern is the latest female leader subject to questioning over her reproductive capacity. How about more questions related to leadership capacity?

• Van Badham is a Guardian Australia columnist

It only took seven hours for the new leader of the New Zealand Labour party to be publicly subjected to hoary stereotypes of sexist nonsense.

I despair that that’s unlikely to even be a record. But there’s Jacinda Ardern, 37 years old. Preselected unanimously and seizing the political opportunity of her life. The great hope of a party whose hopes have long been dormant. A young woman already with a reputation for international leadership ... reduced, on a radio broadcast to the question: “Is it OK for a PM to take maternity leave while in office?”

Related: 'Unacceptable': New Zealand's Labour leader asked about baby plans seven hours into job

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Don’t infantalise pregnant women. Tell them how tough breastfeeding can be | Lizzy Davies

Of course British attitudes need to change, but let’s be honest, telling women about how wondrous breastfeeding can be is to tell only half the story

• Lizzy Davies is international news editor of the Guardian

As I type this, the clock hands are creeping towards 2.30am, and my baby daughter is slumbering beside me having had her first feed of the night. There will, unquestionably, be more. I am on hand 24/7 to meet her dietary needs, an always-open milk bar with only one thing on the menu and only one employee serving the drinks. There is very little customer feedback, though occasionally I am rewarded with a loud and strangely satisfying burp.

Related: UK attitudes to breastfeeding must change, say experts

Related: Break down barriers to breastfeeding in the UK | Letters

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