I ‘miscarried’ a child 20 years ago, and I know the language we use really matters | Shelley Silas

Women’s traumatic experiences are made light of with weird, evasive language. No wonder so many end up with PTSD

It was the day before my nephew’s barmitzvah, almost 20 years ago, when family and friends would gather to celebrate my sister’s son’s coming of age. After nine years, my parents had just accepted my wife into the family: this was going to be an important moment for us as a couple. But it wasn’t the happy event I’d hoped for.

My wife and I had already told my parents – and others – that we were pregnant. I wanted a boy, and we knew his name: Eli. That day before the barmitzvah, I was due to have the all-important first scan where a heartbeat would be detected – but when I woke that morning I knew something was wrong.

Our friends enjoyed our good news and grieved with us in our sad news. Who do we protect if we remain silent?

Related: Being pregnant in a climate emergency was an existential challenge. Miscarriage has brought a new grief | Gemma Carey

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‘She said she’d be babysitting our embryo’: what’s it like to carry a child for a friend?

Surrogacy between friends can be life-changing. The people who have done it talk emotions, legal hurdles – and WhatsApp birthing groups

In a flat in north-east London, Abi is cradling her best friend’s baby. At 15 weeks old, the little boy is smiling up at her, testing out his first sounds. His mother, Rachel, prepares his bottle while Abi rocks him, showing all the love she would to any of her friends’ children. The only difference is that Abi gave birth to him.

Abi and Rachel, both 35, met on their first day at university in Birmingham in 2003 and rarely left one another’s side. At 16, Rachel had been diagnosed with MRKH, a congenital condition meaning her uterus was undeveloped. Although she produced eggs, she would never be able to carry children, something she kept to herself. “I’d tell people I didn’t want kids but deep down I was insanely jealous,” says Rachel, who works as an events producer in London. “I wanted them so badly but assumed I’d never have my own, so I learned to live with it.”

In hindsight, living miles apart was good. If we were round the corner I’d have been posting steak through her letterbox

I’d been carrying her most treasured possession. We were numb. We drove home in silence

Some nurses called Leanne ‘Mum’ which none of us wanted. It felt antiquated

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Readers on the pain of miscarriage: ‘In my head I was already a mum and then suddenly I wasn’t’

According to a new study, a third of women experience PTSD after losing a baby in early pregnancy. Guardian readers describe their experiences

I had three miscarriages in 2018, all under 12 weeks. I became very anxious to the point that it was impacting every area of my life. It affected my sleep and I had very negative thoughts. I spent a lot of time crying and kept having flashbacks to the third, most traumatic miscarriage, particularly when I was trying to sleep or relax. I had such severe bleeding that I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance. My family struggled to understand the impact it had on me. Only one friend, who had also had a miscarriage, seemed to get it. The professionals who dealt with me when I was admitted were clearly ill-equipped to cope with any mental health implications, which was not their fault. It was only when I self-referred for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) months later that I was able to get the support I needed.

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I’m having a baby with my ex – but long for us to be a family | Dear Mariella

This man has made it clear he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you, says Mariella Frostrup. So find out your financial rights and focus on the baby

The dilemma I am a 30-year-old woman and I’ve always wanted to settle down. Last spring I met a man with a previous marriage and a child. We were a good match, but without warning, after a few lovely months, he ended it. I took it badly and then all hell broke loose when I realised I was pregnant. I told him and we decided to keep the baby. I now see him a few times a week and we’ve bought a house, but we argue about him not prioritising time to build our relationship.

While he’s often kind and thoughtful, he also seems detached and unloving, resenting any extra demands I make. We don’t feel like a team and he openly admits he doesn’t love me, although he believes in time this might change. As the pregnancy progresses I feel constantly ill with worry and heartbreak, and my insecurities are bubbling over. I used to be confident with a good sense of self worth. When I try to talk to him it usually ends in a horrible argument with him cold and angry and me hysterical. Should I try to swallow my pride and persevere – or to build a stable foundation myself from the beginning?

You are pushing for something that this man hasn’t offered you

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Being pregnant in a climate emergency was an existential challenge. Miscarriage has brought a new grief | Gemma Carey

The bushfires turned an abstract fear into a concrete reality. Having lived on the frontlines of climate collapse, I’m not sure I will choose to get pregnant again

On Boxing Day I had an article published about being pregnant in a climate emergency. It was about the conflicting and contradictory emotions many of us are forced to hold if we choose to take the leap of faith of bringing a child into the world in the midst of climate collapse.

At the time I wrote that piece, the smoke came and went. Occasionally we caught snippets of blue sky.

Related: If I have no hope for the planet, why am I so determined to have this baby? | Gemma Carey

Related: This apocalyptic Australian summer is our Sandy Hook moment – if we don't take climate action now we never will | Brigid Delaney

Gemma Carey is a researcher at the University of New South Wales. She has written for Meanjin, the Mandarin and has appeared on ABC Radio. Her memoir No Matter Our Wreckage will be published in 2020 by Allen and Unwin.

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Those of us with anorexia who are pregnant need greater support | Ché Ramsden

Eating disorders threatened my recovery after I had given birth. Yet health guidelines ignore new mothers with such a history

At my 10-week booking appointment, the midwife told me that my history of anorexia meant I was more likely to get postnatal depression. She could see that I’d last been under psychiatric care less than a decade ago, two years after my last hospitalisation. She apologised that she had to note it down on my maternity records. She and I were both tangibly relieved the serious health issue being discussed had nothing to do with my baby. No one ever mentioned it to me again.

Related: Anorexia is the deadliest mental illness. Why is the NHS still not taking it seriously? | Tom Quinn

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If I have no hope for the planet, why am I so determined to have this baby? | Gemma Carey

I wonder if my child will ever have the innocence I had two months ago, of not having to think about whether the air will kill you

Sitting, nauseous with morning sickness, on a park bench in the bright heat of an unusually hot spring day my partner and I watch children march past us, striking from school:

“What’s the point of an education if we have no future,” their signs say.

Related: Australians aren’t asking for miracles from Scott Morrison. We’re begging for leadership | Geoff Goldrick

Related: I'm the 13-year-old police threatened to arrest at the Kirribilli House protest. This is why I did it | Isolde (Izzy) Raj-Seppings

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