Many women experience miscarriages, yet it’s a subject that’s often not discussed. Our readers offer their advice on coping with loss
The devastation of losing a child in pregnancy affects more people than you mght imagine: the charity Tommy estimates miscarriages occurs in 15-20% of recognised pregnancies.
Yet it’s a subject that people often don’t discuss. This week one writer opened up about her miscarriages. “In work the following day, I feel panicky about anyone speaking to me, like I’ve shed my skin but I’m the husk, not the new person, and one question will blow me away on the wind,” she writes.
My partner has suffered (and I use the word suffered intentionally) three miscarriages. We have two healthy and happy children. I know that’s not what people want to hear, but it’s absolutely possible. I can’t say anything that will make you feel better, as nothing can. I can only say these five words, the ones that I had to continually reassure my partner, it’s not your fault. – Owlyross
You are definitely not alone. Social media pictures of smiling babies don’t always give the full story, the truth of what came before. I had two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy before giving birth to my son. I still remember the anxiety following those positive tests, the desolation at the smears of blood weeks later. But I discovered that the majority of mothers in my large team at work had also experienced at least one. Their support helped a lot. Try not to despair. A book I found helpful about understanding miscarriage was one by Lesley Regan. – Fleura
Related: A moment that changed me: it’s my third miscarriage and I’m losing the plot | Amy Swales
We started seven (!) IVF rounds and I-don’t-know-how-many “natural tries”. I had two early miscarriages and then suddenly got pregnant with our daughter who is now two. I know it feels like something you want to keep secret, but once you start talking about it you will find that there are so many out there that had trouble conceiving/carrying to term. Behind all those happy baby pictures on Facebook there are thousands of stories about struggle and loss, and hope.
On a practical note: make sure you are examined to determine the cause of the miscarriage. Was it something with the fetus or is it something with your womb? Look into immunology if you haven’t already, there are several theories that the body might treat the embryo as foreign body and expel it. There’s also a lot to learn about different supplements/food that can help. Make sure you read absolutely everything that you can – there is so much we still don’t know about human reproduction, so you can not trust the doctors to know everything. You will need to educate yourself. – macewe
It’s been four months since the professionals recommended that we stop trying. Already we are told of pregnancies in a way that makes it obvious that no one believes a little consideration could be shown to us. Rather we are excitedly told and when we don’t run around the room whooping it’s met with puzzlement like “oh you guys are still sad?”. If I even try to discuss it with my family it’s met with a shrug and the “well adopt or foster then if you really want kids”. It’s been four months. I think that’s what makes me sad. Miscarriages can cause a profound grief but it seems it’s not a legitimate grief in most people’s eyes. – kithype
Be gentle on yourselves and ignore the unsupportive among your friends and extended family. Some of the responses we endured bordered on the insane, like when my aunt told me that my cousin hadn’t told me about the birth of her first child in case “I wanted her baby”. In an instant I was cast as a maternity hospital kidnapper from a daytime soap opera. Banish such people from your life. They have nothing positive to offer. – SmileyFace2
You’re grieving. Don’t feel disgusted for not coping. What does that even mean? Don’t think that you need to put on a front and get over it? Feel what you feel and allow it even when the pain is so raw you think you might collapse, because that can be a healthy way for the body and mind to help dispel the grief. Pushing it down in a bid to “save face” will only add to the hurt you feel. Do what feels right for you and don’t apologise. If you’ve had a lot of miscarriages you need time to heal. The best medicine now for you is rest, love and (as unthinkable as it may sound) laughter. – Jucylicious
The little things are the hardest. The comments and conflicting information from friends and professionals. The “you are still young” and the inquisitive colleagues asking if you are feeling better now.
However, there are great positives. I really believe that for my husband and I our priorities will be different when we have our family now than if it had happened easily for us. The experience has brought us much closer and taught us a great deal about the unexpected nature of life. – JessicaHousden
Miscarriages are usually devastating. They are deaths of wanted babies. And the mother needs privacy, room, and permission to grieve (so does the father). No one else is entitled to know what has happened or offer advice, especially not “just go out and adopt an unwanted child”. This is fundamental. The depths of the grief are unexpected. But that grief is real ... There are many solutions that good fertility specialists can suggest. I know many women who had multiple miscarriages prior to carrying a baby to term. And I count myself among these women who grieved privately until success was achieved after a series of inexplicable losses. – Dory_Green
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from Pregnancy | The Guardian http://ift.tt/1QoMinc
